I wrote a series of blogs while in hospital recently. Hospital musings ;-)
This morning has been a weird one. I’ve been in hospital for 4 days now – and most of that time I’ve sat here watching and listening to the pain around me and wondering what the heck I’m doing here.
I don’t belong here. These people are really sick.
Its hard to submit to this process and accept that if I’m not careful chemo can kill me. I feel ok, apart from labor-like pains up and down my back/neck and a whopping headache most of the time. None of which is related to the actual infection (an infection I can’t feel as its on chest where I had the mastectomy). The thing that is really doing my head in right now is the gauntlet of emotions this drug is dragging me through. One moment I’m fine, the next moment I’m sobbing like someone died. I feel so out of control, which isn’t good for a control freak like myself (just being real! Hehe). Suffice to say, it’s been a real struggle to keep my head in a land that I am used to, a land filled with life, light, positivity, hope and faith.
In this land I am a big believer in a fundamental truth: Your perspective determines your reality. Your reality can change in a heartbeat depending on how you choose to look and respond to what you’ve been dished up with at any given moment. Your circumstances may not change, but your ability to handle those circumstances in a way that benefits you and others is entirely possible. It is absolutely within our power to shape the final outcome, whether emotionally or physically, but this all hinges on our perspective. So what is perspective?
The Latin root of the word perspective is “look through”. In other words it’s all about looking with a certain lens that determines what it is you actually see. And not just looking AT it, but looking THROUGH it. Aka to the other side. I believe our lenses are influenced by two primary realities. 1. What we see with our physical eyes and 2. What we believe about any given thing (which may or may not be seen). There are always two sides of the coin and you can’t always rely on either of them for an absolute truth. (Although what that is, is another subject!)
Our perspective on life is what shapes our living…or at least our quality of living. If I decide for example, to curl up into a little ball and curse the day I was born because I believe this stupid cancer is ruining my life, then I am indeed creating my reality through that perspective. And it’s true - no one can dispute that I have cancer, because we all see it with our own eyes. So Yes I have cancer, yes it hurts, yes it puts a strain on every area of my life, but it DOES NOT have the power to take my life away from me – not while I’m still living. Unless I let it. Unless my perspective determines it. The good news is my perspective is ALL MINE. I can do with it what I want and no one can snatch it from me unless I let them. There are all sorts of snatchers out there by the way…so it’s a good idea to be aware and keep your guard up. You can find these nasty little snatchers in the form of negative behavior or habits, runaway emotions, hard facts or embellished stories, and of course the evil in this world who comes purely to kill and destroy. Then there’s hard-core drugs that actually make you loose it. That are actually designed to make you loose it – so that really does become an uphill battle if you have to take those!
All things considered, I think its fair to say that we mostly have the power to create our realities through our perspective. It resides within all of us. The greater truth of the matter is that, sometimes you have to work pretty damn hard to get that perspective in check and functioning from a life-giving place. This is truly the hard part. I wouldn’t dare try to convince you that it was easy, although like with all good habits, the more you do it - the easier it is to slip into that stream.
As for me and my struggles, well. most of the time I am content with my thoughts and feel an incredible amount of inspiration despite what my physical eyes show me. Key word: Most. I have my moments of course like I admitted earlier, but I also know that it could be much worse and am thankful to be spared from greater hardships. You only have to look around the hospital and cancer centre to get that almighty GREAT BIG reality check, and this only serves to reinforce the layers of thankfulness that cover me so completely. Right now I am sitting across from a little old lady who is in so much pain and is so helpless, that you can’t help but beg God for her relief. The day and nights are filled with her pitiful groans and when I dare to take a surreptitious peek, she always looks so sad and so resigned. And yet right now she just smiled at me. A beautiful encouraging smile just for me. And I smile back, trying to convey all of my hope for her and encouragement in just one moment.
The strength and tenacity of the human spirit never ceases to amaze me, and as bad as I feel for myself at times – this is the thing that lifts my emotions out of the miry pit. How can you not be inspired to pass encouragement on in the face of so much fight. Don’t get me wrong. I am no Mother Teresa. And trying to find the balance between inspiration and keeping it real can be a real mind job - especially when these drug induced emotions are determined to have a pity party. The battle is real lol. I may sound like I have it altogether sometimes, but that’s just my battle cry. That’s just me being determined to make this all count – if not for myself then definitely for others who need a little encouragement. Because things can change in a heartbeat - Lives can be saved by just one word. This is what I’ve seen with my own two eyes and experienced with my own heart.
So how do you whip that perspective into shape. *Warning* Be prepared for whiplash! Especially if you try and do it all on your own, with your own strength. We really aren’t that clever guys. But more importantly, we don’t have to be. Stay tuned for more hospital musings....