I haven’t written for a while. I still don’t know what I’m going to write.
Fingers to keyboard – pen to paper. I wait for it all to pour out.
There’s so much there. Bubbling just under the surface. I’ve been ignoring it for different reasons – none of which are worth mentioning.
I can’t really put a pin in the origins of this desire, but I know that my heart is churning, my eyes are weak, and my mind keeps darting off into vaguely familiar places.
My soul aches, and my spirit is sitting on the ledge of a cliff a million miles high - Looking down, looking up, trying to decide what makes sense the most.
The words of my childhood “It’s not fair”, layer themselves over my thoughts, and harden with silence. I pray for the cracks to appear so truth can find it's home in there, and evict false layers.
I am both sad and happy to be in this place; This deep place of contemplation that can only be found when the reality of life side swipes you out of your comfort zone. That blessed bubble, popped for reasons none of us can fully comprehend.
And a part of me is thankful for that onslaught, as it only ever has one final outcome; to draw me nearer. Sometimes we need to have the veil torn from our eyes and the pathways made clear in order to draw near to our Hope.
I often wonder what God is thinking during these moments of our human despair.
How He is feeling.
It can’t be easy being Him I realise. Loving us so deeply, watching the world try to bring us to our knees with crippling grief. I know He must care – why else would he keep a record of our tears?
To watch an army of His people pray until their voices are lost, to feel the hope of His people overflowing; pressed down shaken together and poured out. To watch our love offered up on the altar of trust – only to all come crashing down when our Will is not fulfilled.
What must He be thinking?
Watching and waiting to see how His people will walk this out. Will they be picked off and taken out by the fiery arrows of despair, or will they lift up their eyes and rise out of the pit of fire – unburned like our predecessors?
Will they question His great love for them, and the plans and purposes for their lives? Or will they be still and know that He is God, the God of their sons and daughters, the God of their life and death.
Will they curse His holy name in the face of their greatest despair, or even question His existence and great Love. Or will they fall at His feet and allow Him to scoop their broken hearts up in His loving embrace.
I think I know what God is thinking.
He is thinking Hope. He is thinking Faith. But above all this, He is thinking Love.
I think I know how God is feeling.
He is broken-hearted by your broken heart. But He is also celebrating the victory of the cross in Heaven.
You see to all our worldly realities, there is a heavenly one that runs parallel. Even in the deepest darkest depths of despair, we can still choose to make His reality – our reality.
This is what I tell myself when this world tries to bring me to my knees.
My knees are reserved for His throne room only.
In that place I will grieve with my Father, then I will rise alongside Him to face the world again. Full of Hope, full of Faith, and most importantly – full of Love.