One thing I want to say that has been heavy on my heart for a while now is Sorry.
I find myself being sorry for many things that have happened lately.
Sorry that I got so involved, sorry that I substituted my relationship with God with who I thought was HIS representative (FYI - there is no substitute), sorry that I spent the last 13 years of my life focusing on someone else’s idea of truth, sorry that I put my family second, sorry that I didn’t focus on my son when he needed me the most, sorry that my daughter hardly ever saw her parents, sorry that my husband only had half a wife - because she was too busy serving someone else, sorry that I distanced myself from my biological family, and didn’t fight harder to spend more time with my husbands, sorry for participating in the truckload of rubbish over the years, including not fighting to stay connected to loved ones who walked away. But the thing I feel most strongly about - the thing that keeps me up at night and has me praying like I’ve never prayed before, has nothing to do with my pain and heartache. And everything to do with the people I was responsible for. This is the thing I need to publicly say sorry for: My part in leading GOD’s people down this track. Conviction and sorrow have brought to my knees because I was part of the (latter) Tauranga leadership team that could not see right from wrong, and because of this was not capable of leading HIS people in the right direction.
I’ve had people say to me, “It’s ok Bex, it’s not your fault. You didn’t know - none of us did. You were just being obedient and submitted to your leadership”. You know what - this may be the reason, but it sure as hell isn’t an excuse. Leadership is a seriously big waka to jump into. You better be ready to navigate, to paddle, to fight, to sacrifice for the people you lead. You better be ready to take responsibility - because people’s lives are in your hands. That ain’t no small thing! You may not be perfect (who is!!?) but you can still be humble. You can take responsibility. Basic fundamental stuff yeah? And yet, I’ve seen examples of leadership lately who have refused to do exactly that, refused to take responsibility, refused to acknowledge the hurt, refused to believe they have done anything wrong, and in fact pointed the accusing finger at other people and defended their actions. God help me if I ever start doing that. God help me to take it on the chin - even if it’s bloody hard.
I hope whoever is reading this (that was under my leadership as an elder in our old church) hears my heart and forgives me for my part. I am trying to make things right, and I hear God saying that I can’t camp here in this sorrowful valley because life is all about learning and there is so much more to experience (Hopefully nothing like that again sheeesh!).
I leave you to ponder these things for yourself. Be at peace, know that you are loved, and don’t forget to look up every now and then (or all the time if you’re able!) You may be surprised at what you see! xxx