Recently I had the knee-knocking honour of speaking at One Heart - United Women’s conference, in front of 700+ women. It was one of those moments in time that stood still and I knew that something was being accomplished in that moment.
In me. In my circumstances. Even in those I was speaking to.
If nothing else, I knew my obedience to stand there and speak about the goodness of God in my life was enough.
I began by saying that I knew it was time to come out of what I had affectionately dubbed ‘my bat cave’ - even though it was mighty comfortable in there and it had been my home for over 2 years. Like all good cave experiences, there is a time to go in and a time to come out. Dying in there was simply not an option.
When thinking about my cave experience I couldn’t help but think about King David’s time in that famous cave. He retreated to his cave (the cave of Adullum) during a time where he was running for his life. Even though he used the cave to hide from enemies on all sides, he also used that time in his cave to prepare himself and his men for the future. Even during such a terrifying time, David was able to make that cave count. Eventually he stepped out of his cave, and his story carries on with one common theme; He kept moving.
There are times in life where we are made to sit still and let God do a work in us. This is a painful truth I am intimately aware of. But I also know that eventually we must get up, dust ourselves off, and get moving in time and season. The agenda of God in our lives is sometimes unimaginable, but what we do know is that we are not promised unlimited years on earth. Time is precious and overstaying your time and season in that comfy cave is simply not an option.
During my testimony I made a statement about having so much more to give in this life – God willing. And if He wasn’t (willing), then that was ok, as long as I knew I was walking out my purpose. It didn’t matter what I’d been through or what I was about to go through, as long as this was my truth. This was the very inspiration that got me moving out of that cave and into uncomfortable places like the women's conference I spoke at.
A funny old thing happens when you make grand statements like this (But if not Lord). Something always comes along to test the strength of your word. I’ve learnt time and time again that I had better make sure that I believe what I am saying, and committed to walking that thing out – otherwise I might as well put a bulls-eye on my head and over my heart.
My test came a week later when I got a last minute appointment at Waikato Hospital to have a bone scan. For a while now I’ve been experiencing quite severe back pain which is a flashing red light in cancer-land. When breast cancer metastases’ (spreads), it can go to your brain, your liver or your bones. While my oncologist didn’t think my symptoms entirely matched up to the threat of bone cancer, he knew it was imperative to play it safe so booked me in for the scan.
I always have the most intense conversations with God whenever I’m lying under those machines. I must admit that zoning out and in to Him during these times is vital for my state of mind. It never gets so real for me than when I am strapped down and at the mercy of an MRI, cat-scan or some other kind of monstrous scanning machine. It’s easy to panic and imagine all sorts of ridiculous things happening – like the power going out which would make it impossible for me to get out of the blimin thing, or an earthquake where the whole roof comes crashing down but I’m kept alive (and trapped) in the machine while everyone else dies around me, or a zombie apocalypse where everyone gets eaten and I’m next on the menu (easy pickings). Yes I’ve seen way too many horror movies and embarrassingly enough I have actually imagined every single one of those scenarios lol.
But back to my serious (and more realistic) conversation with God.
In a space like that, I can’t deny what is happening to me. It’s quite literally in my face. I can’t hide from reality and I can’t pretend it’s not happening. And so what do I do?
I thank Him, over and over again. I praise Him for all that He has already done for me. And I tell Him repeatedly, that I appreciate the time He’s already given me and the opportunities He’s already so generously provided…even while I was in my bat cave or just peeking out of it. I rewind my memory and playback those purpose driven moments that were gifted to me, and I find myself in a state of awe and gratefulness. Shalom. I truly am content with my lot in life. Even whilst lying there with a huge machine just 1cm away from my nose, reminding me every time I dare to open my eyes that this terror is far too real.
Yes I ask Him to protect me from the worst (I’m not a martyr), but I also tell Him that it’s ok if I have to walk through this valley should He see fit to take me through it. I tell Him that whatever happens – it’s ok. Why? Because I truly do BELIEVE what I’ve already said, and what I will continue to say until the day I die.
Who He is, and what He has done for me - in me - and with me, is enough. More than enough in fact.
There is so much power and peace in this truth, and it’s there for anyone who dares to make it their own. Have a listen to my story in the video below and be encouraged. My testimony is not all the horrible things that have happened to me. My testimony is LIFE, and life more abundantly. Bex xx