I know my family and closest friends have been watching and waiting with baited breaths to see when I would just stop…for a moment… and allow the pain to wash over and through me. As bittersweet as that sounds, it is actually a necessary part of the grieving process. Part of me still argues with the fact that I am actually grieving. Grieving over what? I am still alive, still drawing grateful breaths, still enjoying watching my children grow. I still have dreams, aspirations, hope for my life. But either way I am content with this time I have been given and do not regret anything. That is the way I choose to go on living, with these thoughts always planted firmly at the forefront of my mind.
Or at least I try to. Every now and then reality creeps in - when I reach for my pain medicine, catch site of a random cancer article whilst scrolling through facebook, or accidentally catch my reflection in the mirror; see what was once there – and knowing things will never be the same again. Thoughts about my immediate future, which turn grey very quickly as I consider the battlefield of Chemo and Radiation I am about to step onto. How can one not grieve in the face of these realisations? How can I pretend to not be rocked to my core when I consider what has happened to me, and what may still happen to me? So yes, I let go today and cried unashamedly in front of my Aunty who I hadn’t seen for years. I think both of us got a little bit of a fright when the waterworks started almost as soon as she walked in the door (FYI I am not a crier lol). But she was the perfect person God sent for that precise and extremely vulnerable moment, and I will be forever thankful for that. It helped that He softened my heart in advance and gave me a wakeup call in the form of this worship song “It is well”. I have copied the link below…have a listen and if you need to let go of something this is the perfect song for you. PS. Letting go isn't always a one time thing....sometimes (in fact most times) its a daily requirement...so be prepared for that!
So this all happened today. Obviously many other things have happened since the last time I blogged. I won't go into detail, but I have been thinking deeply about the process of adversity and what that looks and feels like. Here are a few thoughts I had one night when I was considering the layers and depths of the concept.
The quiet walk of Adversity
Adversity: is a series of holding your breath and learning how to slowly exhale the pressure, lest it detonate and destroy you from the inside out. Letting that first breath go can be its own battle, but instead of picking up your weapons, it’s about laying them down. Letting go is mostly a matter of trust. Hold…exhale slowly….breath. Hold…exhale slowly…breath. And on and on it goes until exhaling is as fluid as breathing and the hold becomes a landmark in that valley you must walk through without stopping.
Walking in adversity is learning how to fight the demons of dread, the rising panic, and deep sadness that stirs your imagination and often turns into reality. None of these assailants can be seen but are just as deadly nonetheless. We cannot fight such enemies in the flesh, but by remembering who we are and standing firm in that identity. Trusting that the one set of footprints in the sand isn’t just a lovely idea, but truly does mean He is holding us through it all.
Adversity brings with it a series of new questions as each new day dawns and new obstacles lay before you. Will you make it through that valley? Will the valley kill you? Or will you learn how to walk your path on even ground, where the mountains and valleys are made to become one. The answer? 'Let go my soul and trust in Him'.