I won't go into too much detail about what led me down the dark path of depression. If you've read any of my other posts you'll get the picture real quick. Sexual Abuse, Suicide, Drugs, Alcohol, Abusive relationships, Abortion, Abandonment...just a couple of quick examples of what went on in my life. The thing I really want to do is crack open a few brutal truths about depression that may help breed some understanding. These are facts that are intermingled with my personal experiences.
There are many different stages or levels of depression. It’s not as simple as ‘feeling blue’. And not as quick and easy as wanting to ‘kill yourself’. There are many different types of depression but I suffered from bipolar disorder which some say is the ‘incurable’ type. I believe many people living with bipolar disorder experience different symptoms, however what I am about to describe has been officially and unofficially documented by those who have suffered. ...Read More Here
There is nothing the enemy can say or throw at you that will change the truth in God’s Word. For years I was tossed around in the storm of his lies. It truly was a miracle that I didn’t suffer the same fate as my mother, given the apparent strength of that suffocating spirit. The years leading up to her death were bad enough as I had my own personal issues that were afflicting me in full force. I was suicidal long before my heart was completely shattered. Many times God pulled me up out of the abyss, where I nearly drowned on so many occasions. He was the only force that could penetrate my black mind. He was the only presence strong enough to bring peace and hope to my dying heart.
Unbeknownst to me, the spirit of suicide had been alive and kicking in my blood line for some time and it just seemed that I was to be a perfect candidate for its infection. The fact is, this is the often the final destination for those who are seriously depressed. They either end up here, or knock on its door at least once during their journey. I know that we have visited this subject in even greater detail earlier on in this book but as you can probably imagine, it is slightly impossible not to delve into the subject of depression, without touching on the subject of suicide. So lets just stop for a moment and have a closer look at this subject shall we. ...Read More Here
Before I came to be a baby in this world, God knew me and knew who I was going to be. I remained perfect in His eyes and was in fact preordained before the foundations of the earth to be a brilliant light that attracted many people to the truth. He established a purpose within me, a purpose that would one day, when the time was right, come to be the driving force behind my passion for seeing God’s kingdom be established here on earth. He knew all of this and also knew of the trials I would inevitably face. We were never promised that our time here on earth would be ‘peaches and cream’. If anything, we are warned that our lives will be full of hardship and persecution. Such is the world we live in.
I personally didn't know this truth when I was a teenager coping with my first hefty bout of bipolar disorder. And to be honest, even if I had heard it back then I probably wouldn’t have paid much attention. Such was the intensity of my self-absorption. It would have taken God to whack me over the head with a steel frying pan before I looked beyond myself for help, answers and the truth. ...Read More Here
My Grandfather was our rock and when he passed my mother took it extremely hard. And then just over one year later, she gave up and consequently reintroduced grief into my life. I was in such a bad way, that the doctors dosed me up on several types of anti-depressants (this is not unusual, but it’s not really a cure is it?). I was so dosed up, that at times I would black out and loose all sense of time. One of the anti-depressants that was prescribed made me quite nauseous and dizzy. I would spend hours, and loose days on my bed not knowing whether I was coming or going. There was a part of me that welcomed this blackness. But then there was another part of me that couldn’t stand this mundane level of existence. It was a sad type of existence, even for me.
Breaking the disease of depression over my life wasn’t easy. It took a few goes before I was finally rid of it for good. But God was the man during these times and dished out an amazing amount of grace through this process.
That first breakthrough was just the beginning. There were many more to be had, and I racked them up on my internal scoreboard which sounds silly, but I was a new Christian around this time and there was still a big part of me that needed convincing. It was hard for me to comprehend why a God of so much love and compassion could ever allow such terrible things to happen in my world – not to mention “the world” in general. And so I guess you can say I was a little hesitant to step out and believe in the things I could not see. He ought to prove Himself before I say AMEN to anything thankyou very much! Well I can say now, with the maturity I have gained over the years, that this is a wrong attitude to have. God does not need to prove anything. We are at liberty to test His word, but not stamp our feet and demand proof. It’s only by His grace and love that He even responds to such juvenile demands. He knows how we operate. Mostly by our earthly eyes, I think would be fair comment. But the essence of believing in God and His plans and purposes for our lives, is built on a solid foundation called Faith. Such is the Scripture; “For we walk by faith, not by sight”. 2Cor 5:7 ...Read More Here