I won't go into too much detail about what led me down the dark path of depression. If you've read any of my other posts you'll get the picture real quick. Sexual Abuse, Suicide, Drugs, Alcohol, Abusive relationships, Abortion, Abandonment...just a couple of quick examples of what went on in my life. The thing I really want to do is crack open a few brutal truths about depression that may help breed some understanding. These are facts that are intermingled with my personal experiences.
There are many different stages or levels of depression. It’s not as simple as ‘feeling blue’. And not as quick and easy as wanting to ‘kill yourself’. There are many different types of depression but I suffered from bipolar disorder which some say is the ‘incurable’ type. I believe many people living with bipolar disorder experience different symptoms, however what I am about to describe has been officially and unofficially documented by those who have suffered.
The thing about this type of depression is that logic, practicality and sensibility all loose their flavor to the point where none of the above can be tasted at all. All you can literally see is a great big black abyss that has no ‘proverbial light at the end of the tunnel’. None foreseeable anyway. The common analogy we often hear when depression is described is ‘a black pit that you feel yourself falling into and you can’t get back up out of it’. This is not just an analogy, this is a very real description of what life is like when you are clinically depressed except the reality is even worse. For some people, it’s not just that you can’t get back up out of it, it’s that you can’t see which way is up because everything around you is pitch black. There is no up or down, side ways, or other ways about it. You are trapped and lost, gravitating toward some unseen bottomless pit that crushes the very air out of your lungs and squeezes your heart to excruciating levels of physical pain. Hopeless ness envelops your entire mind body and spirit, which is the single most devastating feeling an unstable person can experience. And then comes the numbness. Once your body simply can’t take anymore, yet refuses to stop breathing, your soul goes into shock and neutralises all physical feeling.
This is the most dangerous level of depression, for although you can’t feel anything, that spirit of hopelessness governs your existence, and is purposeful in its bid to convince what’s left of your will and spirit - that there is no alternative but to end it all. For in its sick world you have come to live in; there is NO HOPE for your life, so what indeed is the point of living? It is a somewhat mechanical process, and even your everyday routine of breathing becomes mechanical. Almost like you are a puppet being manipulated by some invisible strings which are ultimately responsible for your life or death. I can tell you right now that there is no human power or strength strong enough to break through this level of infection once you get to that point. Every now and then I would chisel through the numbness and experience a feeling of sheer panic and agonizing fear at what I knew I could not defeat. At the end of this encounter, I would inevitably cower back to the comforting arms of numbness without even consciously being aware of the transition. I guess psychologically it was so much easier to deal with (not feeling anything than the shock treatment of raw emotion).
This is just a very brief insight into what life is like when you are faced with the challenge of depression.
"For some people, it’s not just that you can’t get back up out of it, it’s that you can’t see which way is up because everything around you is pitch black. There is no up or down, side ways or other ways about it. You are trapped and lost, gravitating toward some unseen bottomless pit that crushes the very air out of your lungs and squeezes your heart to excruciating levels of physical pain."
"Most people who struggle to understand the “dynamics” behind severe depression that may lead to suicide, simply suffer from a little thing called incomprehension."
"You see, this book is built on life experience and often compares how life was without me knowing Christ, to how life was when I accepted him into my life. But never about how life was without Christ. For even though I was not aware of his presence, and did not know who my Savior was, that did not mean His hand was not over my life. I can testify to the fact that God is involved in all that is Good and oversees all that is not."
"But it is clear as we read back through my diary entry, that even though I wanted so badly to give up, this love I had for God and my obedience toward Him was the greater scale. It was His scale, tailor made for me. Tailor made for anyone who dares to place Him at the center of their heart."
"This would be one of those defining moments in my life where God made Himself and His power known for three simple reasons. Because He loved me. Because He believed in me. Because He knew, looking back from the end of time - that I would rise above the things of this world and take my place."