There is nothing the enemy can say or throw at you that will change the truth in God’s Word.
For years I was tossed around in the storm of his lies. It truly was a miracle that I didn’t suffer the same fate as my mother, given the apparent strength of that suffocating spirit. The years leading up to her death were bad enough as I had my own personal issues that were afflicting me in full force. I was suicidal long before my heart was completely shattered. Many times God pulled me up out of the abyss, where I nearly drowned on so many occasions. He was the only force that could penetrate my black mind. He was the only presence strong enough to bring peace and hope to my dying heart.
Unbeknownst to me, the spirit of suicide had been alive and kicking in my blood line for some time and it just seemed that I was to be a perfect candidate for its infection. The fact is, this is the often the final destination for those who are seriously depressed. They either end up here, or knock on its door at least once during their journey. I know that we have visited this subject in even greater detail under the Suicide blog category, but as you can probably imagine, it is slightly impossible not to delve into the subject of depression, without touching on the subject of suicide. So lets just stop for a moment and have a closer look at this subject shall we.
Most people who struggle to understand the “dynamics” behind severe depression that may lead to suicide, simply suffer from a little thing called incomprehension. From what I have detailed thus far, suicide is inspired my several key elements (and probably several more that may have eluded even me – although I think it safe to say I am a bit of an expert on the subject). The physical: Either a temporary chemical imbalance of hormones in the brain or a more permanent imbalance which may be diagnosed as a clinical and sometimes incurable illness. The mental: The power of your mind can be used for positive or negative - and can destroy you if you let it. The spiritual: The victim has been catapulted into a timeless battlefield that has been going on for centuries. It is the enemies attempt at stopping that person from walking into their promise – by any means necessary. Playing with the mind, soul and emotions are just one of the painful methods used. The greater the purpose your life has, the harder the enemy will try to stop you. Then there are of course those people who just walk down that path because they want attention, or because they want to make some sick point to the world. Which is why the world never takes them seriously. Apart from the silly things we see and hear about regarding this subject, the three main reasons I have noted above are two very serious reasons why we should never underestimate this dangerous pitfall.
I was bombarded with all three and it was only a matter of time before I succumbed to what started off as darting whispers, and quickly developed into thundering roars. I was a sitting duck, and worst of all, I had no one around me to counteract spiritually, emotionally or physically – my growing will to die. I was alone in my world, geographically and internally. It didn’t help that I was painting a relatively sane picture to all those who bothered to ask. And why do we do this? Short answer: Pride.
Diary Entry 18th December 1999 (1 year anniversary of her death)
“I wish for once I could be normal. Have a normal life and act normally. Why can’t I just scream out all the pain inside and why do I tell people I’m alright when I’m not! I feel pulled in two different directions. The superficial reality of everyday life, (and having to deal with THAT everyday.)…and a deeply settled conviction telling me that I don’t want to be here anymore. I REALLY DON’T! I keep asking God to release me of my promises and thus the burden of my selfish feelings, for I won’t go unless he lets me. But it’s almost like I’m here for a reason. Something tells me I still have something to achieve in this world. It’s a heavy burden, one that I’d gladly trade. But in any instance, He won’t allow me to do it. Even though He knows it is my deepest desire. So I go through life with a heavy heart and accept my role as it is given to me. How depressing! But on a better note…I feel closer to God now and have regained my faith. I know I don’t do credit to his love but I am trying. I suppose writing stuff like this doesn’t help…but it’s just the way I currently feel.”
I like the ‘better note’ part. It is clear from this diary entry that in the midst of my darkest moments, God was there in all his grace seasoned Glory. He never gave up on me for one second, even when I was hell bent on giving up on myself. I wanted to go so badly! You would not believe how badly! Yet the faith that he had placed in my heart, the love that I felt for Him and the grace he bestowed upon my moments, was all sufficient for me. Its funny how even during the midst of this excruciating pain, and even though I wrapped myself up firmly in my own little world..... love and obedience for my Father kicked in. How I got to be so loving and obedient, I have no idea!! I can’t for one minute take the credit for that, as I wasn't feeling very ‘loving” at the time, and the “obedience” part was more like a thorn in my side. But it is clear as we read back through my diary entry, that even though I wanted so badly to give up, this love I had for God and my obedience toward Him was the greater scale. It was His scale, tailor made for me. Tailor made for anyone who dares to place Him at the center of their heart.
"For some people, it’s not just that you can’t get back up out of it, it’s that you can’t see which way is up because everything around you is pitch black. There is no up or down, side ways or other ways about it. You are trapped and lost, gravitating toward some unseen bottomless pit that crushes the very air out of your lungs and squeezes your heart to excruciating levels of physical pain."
"Most people who struggle to understand the “dynamics” behind severe depression that may lead to suicide, simply suffer from a little thing called incomprehension."
"You see, this book is built on life experience and often compares how life was without me knowing Christ, to how life was when I accepted him into my life. But never about how life was without Christ. For even though I was not aware of his presence, and did not know who my Savior was, that did not mean His hand was not over my life. I can testify to the fact that God is involved in all that is Good and oversees all that is not."
"But it is clear as we read back through my diary entry, that even though I wanted so badly to give up, this love I had for God and my obedience toward Him was the greater scale. It was His scale, tailor made for me. Tailor made for anyone who dares to place Him at the center of their heart."
"This would be one of those defining moments in my life where God made Himself and His power known for three simple reasons. Because He loved me. Because He believed in me. Because He knew, looking back from the end of time - that I would rise above the things of this world and take my place."