I must admit I’ve had a tough week and more than a few silent tears. Some dear friends of mine keep telling me these moments are really quite normal - and to go easy on myself....but I feel like I’ve been unravelling - thread by thread and it’s really doing my heart in. The pileup of negative thoughts, emotions, and fears that accumulate over the day, and then over the week. If you don’t spend time counteracting each, they can quickly overwhelm you. I realise this is a different tone of blog than what you’re used to from me, but never fear...I’m not sliding down the slippery slope. I’m just determined to keep it real. This journey was never going to be pretty, and while there is power in remaining positive and having faith, there is also the reality of doing life with this monster. Nobody (in genuineness of heart) wants to hear, let alone will believe that everything is wonderful and just peachy right now. So as a mark of respect to you - I hereby promise to 'keep keeping it real'.
No one really wants to know about cancer (I know I never used to), let alone be in the trenches when the battle gets ugly...and the overwhelming thought is always - this is just the beginning. I can’t help but think, ‘What's it going to be like in a couple of weeks, let alone six months down the track?’ I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but I can see now why hope is hard to find for many people fighting for their lives. After all, it's the first thing that comes under attack. Your hope. That is why it's so important to protect, build, and fill our hope tanks up daily. And not just to counteract cancer, but in all of life's challenges. I have started to develop a plan for this and will let you know how it goes sometime in the future. You have to be calculated and relentless with this stuff otherwise it slips under the radar and before you know it you're a quivering scrambled egg mess. So these are just a few of my big picture musings.
And then there's the everyday disappointments that seem so much bigger than they actually are when you are fighting to get a grip in every way possible. This week I’ve had a lolly scramble of disappointments thrown in my face. Friends letting me down, some friends nowhere to be found. Realising that we’re all just human and life carries on even when it feels like mine has jerked to a stop and trying to let go of the hurt and disappointment in the midst of it. Trying not to take it personal when it feels so damn personal right now. But that’s just my circumstances talking, and I will try my very hardest not to let it dictate the course of my long term thinking. As for the feelings...Well they are just that. Feelings. They come and mess with you for a while but then they go (if you let them!). I learnt this little lesson a long time ago so I know all will be well.
Ok so then I decided to open the Medical books this week which only served to remind me that this cancer wants to kill me - and what's more - it can. Statistics and mortality rates all up in my face, and knowing that even if I come out of surgery with positive news, they will still want to treat me aggressively with intravenous chemo...and EVEN THEN there's only a 30% success rate with potential long term damage to my already bung heart. I’d be lying if I told you the next 6 months will be easy and I’m not worried one bit. I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t keep me up at night. The only reprieve I get is when I dump the load on my Daddy Gods lap and say to Him “Here you have it. And while you're at it, how about you give me a good dose of that peace I’m in so desperate need of right now”. And He does. That’s the good news. And that’s why I’m smiling right now...yes even as I write this my smile reflects the love and appreciation I have for a God who knows how to take care of me.
Reading up on quantum physics has been a real doozy. Don’t get me wrong - awesome stuff...and I’ll probably be exploring it a little more in the future. But out of that research came the realisation (and scientifically proven fact) that 95% of all disease and sickness is caused or made worse by stress. Cancer is especially fond of stress. Those of you who know me, and know what we have been through in the last year will get it. The stress of 2015 and even the year before has really got a lot to answer for and I’m kind of angry about that right now if I’m honest. But I’m also thankful that I now know what I need to steer clear of at all costs, if my body has a chance of doing what it has been created to do - heal itself. Goodbye and good riddance 2015 - I can't say it was a pleasure but you certainly did teach me a thing or two AND on the plus side I discovered freedom in the process. Another thing to be thankful for.
---------------------------------------------------- Oh and then there’s the story of Joey Feek. Anyone heard of her? Joey and Rory. Go look them up. Beautiful, inspiring people - country music stars actually. I’ve been following their journey and have been indelibly impacted. Joey has cancer and the medical corner will have you think it doesn’t look good. She’s currently in hospice and there are thousands upon thousands upon THOUSANDS of people praying for her. Praying for a miracle. And the more precious time that goes by, the more it just doesn’t look like it's going to happen. The realisation that she is asking for the same thing I am (even though I’m not even at that stage)....and God may not give her the answer she wants - has made me cry rivers. It may also have something to do with the fact that she has a beautiful little baby that so needs her Mum more than most. I feel that deeply with my own children, especially my son who has special needs that requires MUMMY in his world. I have found myself on my knees for HER...asking God to do it for HER because she has so much to offer and is such a beautiful and amazing testimony already. Praying over and above my own miracle because for her to die just doesn’t make sense to me. Why would God do it for me and not for her in in other words? Why would God do it for one but not the other? Hard gut wrenching questions. But in the last few days I have heard God say to me to quit measuring. It’s the measuring and feeling unworthy that is killing my hope. None of us are better than the other, or more worthy, or more loved. We just have different purposes here on earth. I desperately hope her purpose isn’t over yet...as I hope the same for myself. But that is entirely in His hands and I can honestly say I am at peace with that.
What else….oh there is so much more but I’ve rabbited on enough now. I have an MRI scan scheduled for today. That should be fun. The silver lining aka blessing is that they were able to fit me in at all - so close to Christmas and with such a long waiting list. Thank you Lord. It is also our 10th wedding anniversary....something to celebrate with the pure joy and laughter that has defined our marriage. In amongst my lolly scrambles I can still see God’s hand moving and the chess board being lined up in my favor. I’m still thankful and if it sounds like I’m losing the plot a bit….I am. No jokes - seriously I’m not!! If I’ve learnt anything in the last few weeks it's that this journey will never be a smooth straight road and I can either fight it, or roll with every curve. Me being honest with you right now is recognition of that truth. Please allow me the luxury every now and then. Thank you. And as always...your prayers are appreciated